There is darkness in growth; as depicted in Black Swan (2010). The shadow aspect of ourselves does exist, and it lies dormant until we acknowledge its existence.
I immersed myself into the spiritual realm commonly known as New Age. I discovered secrets of this world, how energy can be altered, and how to manifest our desires.
This became a mechanism for controlling my reality.
When we grow up in chaos, and an unstable and unpredictable environment, getting out was only a matter of trial and error.
I discovered the law of attraction, and how to be relentless in having control over outcomes. I achieved a lot, at the expense of my health.
Letting go of control is an act of courage, being ok with the unknown and ambiguity is an act of faith. I will not go into religion, because everyone is on their own subjective journeys.
I will, however, speak from experience: toxic positivity and spiritual “bypass” are very real.
“Keep an optimistic mind”
“Go tap into higher levels of consciousness”
And the trap of seeking feeling “well” and “happy” all the time.
For me: I would workout to the extreme, controlling the shape of my body and exploding my mind with the dopamine and endorphins that come from the gym.
I would recharge my chakras every morning, rather than sitting in silence and letting uncomfortable emotions surface to the feelings waiting to be acknowledged and released.
The integration of our shadow is an uncomfortable, albeit important, aspect of becoming whole.
What is darkness?
It is the parts of yourself that you are in fear to be seen.
We keep them hidden out of shame
Out of conditional guilt
Out of integration because of how we fear others will perceive us.
I’ll be transparent to admit, one of the parts of myself I had pushed into the shadows was my sexuality.
Since a late teenager, I began having feelings and attraction for women.
When I shaved my hair at 21 for an art school project, it was an act of rebellion and a silence stance of deep desires that wished to be acknowledged.
During this time, I once told my mother as we sat in a park in our hometown of Weston, “mom, I think I am lesbian, or bisexual, I do not know. I’m confused.”
To my relief, she was accepting of this revelation, and said she’d love me regardless.
However, I kept it hidden from the world.
I later came to understand that I am bisexual and kept a motto I still live by to today:
“I don’t fall in love with bodies, I fall in love with souls.”
I once went on a date with an Argentine girl. I was not attracted to her in a romantic way, but it was an exploration of how it felt to be out in the open with someone of the same gender.
Maybe the feelings come later on. Maybe just like men, we are attracted to certain preferences.
I feared that being open about my attraction to women would mean being perceived as attracted to all women, when in reality I have always been attracted to a very specific kind of woman.
Strong personality
Highly ambitious
Intelligent
European
Accomplished
Ironically, they encompass similar qualities of myself.
Then, as life unfolded, new experiences emerged, and the list grew:
Compassionate
Emotionally intelligent
Wise
Grounded
Combine the two parts of the list, and that is very challenging to find.
When we live in dissonance of our genuine selves, an immense amount of energy is needed to suppress that.
We know it’s there, and so we keep it in the back burner.
My Colombian grandmother knew that I, and another cousin, are bisexual.
Her dying wish was that, “if you marry, please marry the opposite sex”
A lavender marriage.
How we choose to live is ultimately our decision.
As someone with a strong personality, I understand the loyalty of respecting family of how they would prefer for us to live our lives.
Ultimately: we have to live day in and day out with those choices, living that experience for each breath we take.
Integration is a process.
Self-acceptance is a process.
Self-love is a process.
The process can only begin when we are courageous to be ourselves despite of our fears.
The unknown may not be as bad as we have painted it out to be.
And who knows? Perhaps our best lives are waiting on the other side of our fears.
